Pleasure, NOT Perfection

It has been a while, huh?

Two months.

A very interesting and important two months for me.

Here is a one sentence summation: everything I have been wanting hit me all at once.

I believe passionately in supporting sensitivity and in supporting those with the trait of sensitivity. I have been working my buns off to build resources and to support myself financially while I'm at it.

As they say, ask and ye shall receive.

My calendar FILLED to max capacity and I got really tired. I didn't post on here for TWO MONTHS.

I thought "Maybe I CAN'T do this", "I want to run away screaming", "I don't want another person to call or email", "This is TOO MUCH!"

I am laughing right now, out loud, as I recall this. I was literally panicked as I thought about what everyone wanted from me. How would I do it all?!

Guess what I was missing? ME!

All of this was in my life because I asked it to be there.

I was feeling like I had to find away to fit everything that came at me into my life. This is common for HSPs. We often feel that we are at the mercy of what is going on in the outside world. This can lead us to avoid the outside world or be passive in the outside world and be overwhelmed.

We are naturally more responsive, more open. We don't naturally have boundaries. Any boundaries that are in a HSP life MUST be put there intentionally. And, it is a really simple process once we learn it. But, it doesn't come naturally and many of us have not been taught it.

We are naturally very aware of the outside world because we don't have that hardy thick skin that much of the population does, we are thin-skinned. So, from day one the world is coming at us and we don't know any other way to be.

We often get in the habit of just trying to manage it, being the victim, or avoiding it. We are often great at telling people when we feel hurt or overwhelmed, and that's it. We are great at saying "Ouch!" And that's it. Or, we block out our feelings and plow through, hoping to get it all done someday and then have a break as we are living a split life of super-human machine and dead-beat slug. Or, some of us just tell ourselves we can't handle the world and stay inside, literally and/or figuratively.

Well, guess what?!

We have voices. We have the ability to act. This is your life. And, this is my life.

You can interact with the world. You are not a passive victim. You too have the ability to act, just like the rest of the world. That was the point I was missing.

We can say yes AND no.

You like and dislike things, and that is the way you are set up. It is just right to dislike things...and say no to them. It's just right to say no to people, even if they really, really want something or they will be really, really sad.

Think about this: EVERY THING in your life is there for you and because of you.

So, why is it there if not because you want it to be?

There is no point in having anything in your life that you don't want.

You don't serve anyone by trying to accommodate.

I learned this intensely and quickly. I learned to say no because I had no more spots in my calendar.

And, I was tired. I can't support anyone when I'm tired.

All these people were contacting me because I had asked them to, I had made myself available and offered services.

So, I made a profound and simple shift.

I set up my life for me.

I shifted from what do I HAVE to do, what SHOULD I do, what CAN I do to:

WHAT DO I WANT TO DO?

I thought about my day and what allowed me to breathe easily. When I looked at my schedule, what allowed me to be excited and looking forward to it?

I set the structure and schedule that worked for me. I realized there are concrete reasons for the way I feel. Cause and effect.

Just thinking about the fact that I could change my schedule to fit me felt delicious. I dropped a ton of bricks with that thought and got more energy than I had felt all week.

This last week has been one of the most delicious, prosperous, AND productive weeks of my life as I made joy, pleasure, and desire my guides.

I feel juicy and alive and that benefits everyone.

It's really easy for us to be abstract and emotion-centered, that is our strength. So, we must be more intentional about making things concrete. We must make ourselves look at the objects, facts, figures, and physical world that causes our experiences. This allows us to take action. We have physical bodies for a reason...they help us notice what feels good and do more of that along with what doesn't feel good so we can shift that.

I firmly believe that we all best serve ourselves and others when we only do what we truly want to do, after examining what is in front of us and what is inside of us. When we really allow ourselves to notice what feels good to our whole body and take action toward that, we bring what's best to everyone.

And, we can only know what that is in any given moment. I can only know what I want right now.

So, all I ever have to do is be here now. Observing. Feeling. Doing.

Isn't that a relief?

And guess what else is great?

You can change your mind!!!

You can always decide that something else feels better in a different moment after observing and feeling what's happening then.

Want to know something else awesome?

You can always say two magical words and mean them: "I'm sorry".

So, you DON'T have to try to be perfect. You already are just right. You just have to be here now.

When you're here, you can do your best...and sometimes when we're here we notice that we did things that caused a mess. And, you can always say that you're sorry and do something even better.

It's NEVER to late to be here now.

So, what's all of this about?

I am seeing an awful lot of us HSPs running ourselves down (with awesome stuff, fyi)...including me.

The goal is pleasure, not perfection...you already are perfect. So perfection is like a cat chasing it's tale. You've already got your tail and you ARE the cat's meow.

There is no "right" and "wrong" thing to do with your life. There is no magical secret to figure out. There is only what YOU want. There is only what feels good in your body. So, let go of figuring it out and start tuning into what feels delicious in your body.

We all need pleasure, and when our lives are low on it we will start leaching it from any source available. This causes overeating, eating lots of sugars and fats and carbs, staying up too late to take time for ourselves, sleeping in, clinging to others, addictive use of all kinds of mood/mind/body altering substances, and all manner of needy/codependent behavior.

Start running your life by taking charge of your pleasure.

Your pain is your body's way of telling you to change. Discomfort is happiness not giving up on you.

I have been loving this song lately:


Florence and the Machine "DOG DAYS ARE OVER" Music Video from LEGS MEDIA on Vimeo.

I love that idea that happiness hit me like a train on a track or a bullet in the back. Those are two ways I never would have described happiness before. But, it is after all of us. It is our birthright. It is the way to health. It is the way to best serve all forms of life that we come in contact with. And, it just feels good. It is ALL good. Everything in our life supports us in better enjoying our selves. SO, even that stuff that seems awful and feels painful is just right and is telling us how to have more pleasure.

The way our culture, technology, and our world are developing is opening us up to have access to EVERYTHING. There are no excuses folks. Start living your life. Take charge of your joy. There is no reason to not love every part of your life or be working toward that, this includes your job.

I was thinking about this, as I listened to the Florence and The Machine song I posted above. I was walking on my way to my beautiful office and contemplating how amazing my life has become as I really started to let myself be here now. I never would have or could have planned this kind of a beautiful life for myself. In fact, I felt tortured most of my life and miserable, trying to "fix" myself. I realized that "torture" was happiness, hitting me like a bullet in the back. I hid around corners and under my bed. I killed it with kisses, and from it I fled. Oh, how I have come to realize with greater and greater depth that everything and everyone are just right as they are.

As I was rocking out to the VERY part in the song that says "Can you hear the horses? 'Cause here they come!"...

I actually passed a store with this in the window:

YUP.

The dog days are over. No more waiting for happiness. Everything in your life is there to support you. It's all about pleasure. The horses are literally here, I have the picture to prove it (you can see me on the left taking it...I don't even get surprised by this stuff anymore, just amused).

I used to only be able to hope that my life could be filled with pleasure, now I know.

If you want to learn more about this and how to have it in your life, please join the lovely Kristen Domingue, Women’s Power and Pleasure Coach, founder of Begin Again Wellness, helping women overwhelmed by their hormones take back control, and I for a FREE 1 hour tele-class designed to give you…
 

~6 Sensual Secrets to Living a Life You Want in a Body You Love~

In this FREE 1 hour tele-class we'll share with you:

• Our hypochondriac-proof method to hear the hidden messages of your body (so you can start understanding what you really need) 
  
• How to turn your To Do List (aka your Steps to Being Perfect list) into your private treasure map toward the life you want (while still handling business!)
• Turn sensitivity into sensuality
• Learn the secret connection between your sensitive body and your ability to manifest magic
• Finally get your body and mind to start moving in the same direction!

JOIN US ON TUESDAY, JULY 13, 8-9pmEST

*if you can't make the tele-class, register and we will send you the recording*

Register here: http://pleasurenotperfection.eventbrite.com/

I look forward to having you on the call and finding more pleasure than you ever thought possible!

Remember, the horses are coming, so you better run.

How do I follow my passion if I don't know what it is?

A little less conversation, a little more action if you please.

Actions speak louder than words.

And here's a whole slew of other action quotes.

We all know that taking action is important.

So, what's the deal? Why can we get so stuck as HSPs in thinking about what we need to do all day without ever raising a finger to do it? Why do we spend more time making lists and worrying about them than doing even one thing on the list?

This is VITAL to HSPs finding their ideal profession/career/calling/vocation...and it is the very thing that keeps us from it.

I recently read one of the best, most succinct, and vital books about this topic of action that I have ever read.



"The War of Art" by Steven Pressfield talks about resistance, the imbalance between the life we "live" and the "unlived life" of an artist, entrepreneur, and HSP. He doesn't actually use the term HSP, but that's who he's talking about.

This is what I call the tug between the doing and the thinking about doing, it's resistance.

Before reading further, promise something. Promise me that you WILL NOT use this post as a form of resistance. This information is not meant to be one more guilt trip, one more thing to analyze and figure out before you get to action. It is meant to do the exact opposite. It is meant to leave you feeling innocent and free to do what you really want to do. Just let it sink in, no attempt to understand or analyze. Promise yourself right now that you will DO SOMETHING as soon as you finish reading this. It doesn't matter what, I will tell you why it doesn't matter in a minute. Just promise yourself right now.

Ok, phew, got that done. Now down to the good stuff.

As HSPs, we see the BIG picture. We see how perfect everything COULD be. We can see how everything COULD be done better. That is our strength...and our weakness. We are giants. We can get stuck in the clouds if we stay there without doing anything to act on what we see. It requires more intentional effort for us to lean down and look at the ground in front of us to see what the next step is rather than just looking at the view.

We also have a tendency toward wanting approval, due to all that fun childhood stuff of feeling different and wanting/needing approval.

This can be a powerful combo to keep us stuck. If you add into the mix a 9 to 5 model of living/working...yikes.

We get really good at using our sensitivity to feel out what others want and how to do it perfectly. Either we do it and get great praise for how amazing our work is as we are recovering from the overwhelm related to working that hard OR we think about how much work it will be and get totally overwhelmed just thinking about it and so we never take it any further.

We come to believe that we are wanted for what we DO not who we ARE.

To top that off, we don't often have readily available examples of someone breaking the mold in a way that we can relate to. Instead we have a plethora of people telling us to be "safe, smart, careful, reasonable, etc."

What you want probably hasn't been done before. It's going to be new and different and that is just right.

Our subconscious/body/ego/fear has the job of keeping us safe. It uses programming related to emotionally sensitizing experiences of childhood and physical programming that our bodies are born with to keep us physically safe and cared for. Emotions imprint our bodies with programming through chemical hormones about what to do more of and what to avoid in order to live safely. It keeps us in that balance between standing out enough to be given care and not standing out too much to get in the way.

Our superconscious/higher self/uniqueness/love is what drives us to do creative, new things. It is our inspiration and our source of ideas. It is innovation. It comes from within our subconscious. Thoughts and sensations from a more inspired source. Pressfield talks about this as genius or muses. There is a great video from TED by Elizabeth Gilbert (author from the books in my name change post) about this.

It is 20 minutes, so you can watch it now or come back later:



Our conscious mind is where our power lies. It is the ONLY thing we control. It is our awareness.

We are either expanding in love or contracting in fear. What we focus on is the deciding factor about what that action is.

The only thing we control is what we choose to be aware of.

Once we are aware of something, then we can act on it. Our actions show what we truly believe. Acting on something new shows that we believe it can be different.

I like to think of our conscious mind like a radio that we tune into different stations, or frequencies.

All 3 of these parts of us are important and just right as they are. They all have important roles and functions. The hang-up happens when we don't use them effectively.

 Resistance happens whenever we do something new. It is the inevitable pull between our subconscious and our superconscious minds. Our subconscious will do whatever it can through thought and emotion to keep us where we are while our superconscious wants us to move forward and make improvements to live better in alignment with what we want.

This looks like: "Yeah, I can do an online program for HSPs that would encompass all the great information that I have to support them in a format that is accessible and brings them all together, while it can stay at a low price! That's IT! I must do it!" At this time, excitement and enthusiasm are flowing. Move ahead a short time: "Yeah right. You can't do that. No one will sign up. You really don't have that much to offer. Think of all the time you will have to invest in that. You're too young. You don't know enough about technology. You'll do something wrong and look like an idiot. Wait until you have more people who are interested....etc." At this time, emotions of sadness, fear, frustration, and anxiety were flowing.

That's all hypothetical...right (wink).

That is resistance. I had to battle through calling a friend first, checking my email, listening to some music, getting a snack....before I finally sat down to write this. That is resistance.

There is nothing wrong with me for having that experience. None of my thoughts are "true". They are just things to notice. It's like asking whether or not a couch is "true". It just is. It might be blue or black, with stripes or made of velvet. But, asking whether or not it's "true" is irrelevant. Yet, we do that with our thoughts and feelings all the time. They are just things to notice.

We get to use our consciousness (cue SuperWOman music) to focus on whatever it is that we want to expand. We get to use our awareness to make a plan of action that seems best.

And then, there is NO WAY to think yourself into acting.

At some point you just DO it. You move your body. You pick up the phone, you type, you walk out the door, you collect your laundry, you put on your running shoes.

The brilliant thing about life is that eventually if we don't do things for long enough, they get piled too high to do anything about them and all our "shoulds" become irrelevant anyway. It all goes out the window and all we can do is what we want to do right now anyway. Isn't that funny?!

The "shoulds" never matter.

One thing that Pressfield talks about in that book is the difference between what is urgent and what is important. We will always have things urging for our attention. Everything and everyone wants it. We get to choose what we focus it on. We get to decide if something brings value into our life or adds value to the world, and that means it is important if it does. And we do whatever is most valuable at any given moment.

You can only take the step that is in front of you. You can only breathe for this moment. You can't breathe all the breaths you need for the next day right now.

Yes, give everything a home. Make plans. Use a calendar. And then just follow it. Do what is in front of you. Do what you want to do.

This is the point at which you say, "what if I don't know what I want?" "What if I don't know what I value or what I can do to add value?"

It doesn't matter.

Everything you do is feedback. It is ALL feedback.

Whatever you do now tells you about what you want to do more of and what you want to do less of, as you use the techniques I have shared previously about listening to/noticing your emotions as they arise as a way to know what outcome you want.

Some questions to ask that will help:

What do I hope others will do for me?
What do I spend my time doing for others?
What would I do if I didn't have anyone/anything to worry about and everything/everyone was ok?
What would I do if someone gave me a million kabillion dollars?
What if everything I did was just right, no matter what, what would I do?
What if nothing I did mattered, what would I do?
What if everything I did mattered, what would I do?
What if I found out I was going to die in a week, what would I do?
What do I dream about (keep a dream journal)?
Who do I most admire? What do they do that I admire?
About what do I get angry? Fired up? Excited? Thrilled? Tickled?
What do I do when no one is looking? What do I hide?
What scares me more than anything else?
What would I be most terrified to do?
What secret repetitive thoughts do I have when going to bed or upon waking about what would make everything better? About what I really want? About what would be really fun? About my life? Etc.?


Answer these questions honestly, knowing that they don't mean anything about what you have to do. You are just looking, noticing, checking things out.

Now, pick one NEW thing to do from answering your questions. One new thing to explore. This needs to be simple. This needs to be something you can do right now.

It can be skipping instead of walking, calling someone you never call, making a new meal, watching a new movie/show/video on YouTube, Googling a topic, finding a class to go to, etc.

Got it?

Don't move on until you do.

Done.

Here's the cool part and why it doesn't matter what you do. Doing ANYTHING new gets you out of your routine and brings new things into your life. And, as you know doing ANYTHING gives you feedback. If you get a little off the path you want to be on, you can only find that out by getting off the path and then you know to try something a little more to the left or to the right.

Doing new things gets you better and better at feeling scared and uncomfortable and acting anyway.

Keep aware of how cunning your subconscious is. It will use guilt trips about religion, your kids, being a lousy parent/child/neighbor/etc. to keep you analyzing and out of acting. Any time you're wondering about your worth or ability to do what you want (fear), that's the old subconscious. Tune that radio dial. Attend to something else. Focus on a penny, the sidewalk, or the sensations in your body (love them all by noticing them unconditionally).

Anytime you analyze something, you send a profound and subtle message that there is something wrong with it.

I'm writing that again, this is big and small. Anytime you analyze something, you send a profound and subtle message that there is something wrong with it.

Only analyze or use your subconscious to work on projects, make plans, and fix things. You are never something to be fixed. Emotions are never something to be fixed. It's that couch thing I talked about earlier. You can notice it. You can even notice what you want. And then you can take action to make changes to get what you want...but that doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you or what is. It simply is.

This. Is. It.

You can only do what is in front of you and you must do what is in front of you. There is always something in front of you. Even if you have been sitting a while doing nothing. It's never to late to do SOMETHING (that's the subconscious telling you that it's too late).

The more you act, the more you realize that it's all about what you want anyway. So, you don't have to know what you want. You will. Get your best plan/hypothesis and go for it. Eventually you will realize there is no best thing to do...or another way to put it is that everything you do is the best thing for you to do.

We are always most scared of what we have to offer of most value because it is what makes us the most different. Our rarest qualities are what make us stick out, and the things that only we have to offer. So, we hide them and we fear them because that means being different from the pack. What is most rare is also most valuable.

So follow the fear, that's where the juice is.

And read this book:




We will always fear what is most important to us. Follow the fear...and ACT.

If you are looking for a way to take more action toward understanding your sensitivity and thriving with it, I have reopened my online program until this Friday, the 30th. I may open it again in the future, but I don't know for sure.

So, if you are considering it, take advantage now. There is no reason to wait.

This. Is. It.

I have a strong sense that there are a few people left who need to be in it.

If you are feeling stuck in understanding how your sensitivity works, how you are just right as you are, then take a look to see if it is for you.

Now, go do whatever it is that you promised you would. DO IT. And report back below.

Highly Sensitive Usually Means Food Sensitivity Too

http://lillianstestkitchen.com/day/2010/03/22

I was a guest on Lillian's Test Kitchen and you can see the show above, it's less than 10 minutes and Lilly is FABULOUS...plus, I'm on this episode. What more do you need? She makes cookies and milk...mmmmm....

This show is grain-free, cane sugar-free, and dairy-free recipes tried out for the first time on camera...and the ones I've tasted are divine. I'm picky, so don't take my critique lightly. Lilly and I eat this way because we feel better this way, we are highly sensitive. Lilly is also a great friend and that means she's a high quality gal.

DEFINITELY check out the chocolate mousse episode. It's made with avocado (unexpected!) and I've eaten it (A LOT of it) and I could live off of it (so good): http://lillianstestkitchen.com/day/2010/03/01

HSPs are sensitive in every regard, we require special care. We always will. This is the way we are built. Our sensitivity is not a disorder. We are never going to be "fixed" and be free from needing to care for our sensitive needs/wants.

It's like expecting that if we take enough care of an orchid, at some point it will only need the same care as a dandelion. If an orchid has been neglected or given the same treatment as a dandelion, it may need some extra care to get to a point of thriving. But, then it is still going to need to be cared for in a sensitive way. It's never going to be hardy like a dandelion. And that's because it's not a dandelion. It's an orchid and that's just right.

We cannot tolerate everything and we are very responsive. This especially includes what we feed our bodies.

I find that most of us have some sort of food sensitivity.

A common one is gluten-sensitivity or gluten-intolerance (Celiac Disease). See more at www.celiac.com and www.celiac.org

I just went to a great presentation tonight at the Union Square Whole Foods in NYC, every Tuesday they have Gluten-Free Tuesday from 11am to 7pm with special GF events happening in the store and GF samples. I encourage anyone who is in the area to go check it out.

The presentation was from a GF nutritionist, Marlisa Brown. You can see more about her at www.glutenfreeeasy.com

50% of people with a gluten issue do not show digestive symptoms. It may show up in other areas of emotional health, mental health, or other physical symptoms.

When I went off of gluten, my energy increased, anxiety and depression symptoms decreased, my muscles became more comfortable and relaxed...and a number of other seemingly random symptoms. It's related to everything from migraines to schizophrenia, so please check it out.

I encourage you to check out the Paleo Diet: www.paleodiet.com

and

The Specific Carbohydrate Diet: www.breakingtheviciouscycle.info

Those are both gluten and dairy free diets that seem well suited to the highly sensitive body.

I have a lot of information, but as I am not a nutritionist, I encourage you to check these resources and then feel free to ask me any questions...especially as all of this applies to high sensitivity. You can also see resources in my other posts on resource books, websites, and food (dairy-free, gluten-free) in the essential blog posts section.

From Axford to Weed to Axford :: From Dependence to Independence to Interdependence

OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT: I changed my last name from Weed, married name from my ex-husband, back to my original name of Axford.

Most of you probably already know that much information. I just thought I’d be sassy since so many asked me if I was going to make an official announcement.

There it is. It’s official, it even says so…well, mostly official. Waiting on the Social Security office is another story altogether.

Initially I was a bit surprised at how interested in this fact many of you were. Then I thought more about it, more of the meaning behind why I was doing it came to my awareness.

Of course you would be interested. The whole reason I hadn’t done it until now is one that I myself, as a HSP, have spent hours contemplating: who I am.

And, there’s another element to it: what my take on marriage is. That’s a BIG one.

Many of you asked if I had gotten married, and the answer is yes and yes. First to my ex-husband, and now to myself, as I look forward to the possibility of a third marriage in the future. Let me explain.

To be quite honest, the name change snuck up on me.

When I separated from my husband about 3 years ago, it was because I woke up in a life that I didn’t like. I had built it based around everyone else because I didn’t even know myself or what I wanted. This included my ex-husband. My marriage was sort of like picking your favorite color when you’re color blind…and blind-folded. I did my best given my circumstances and he did his best, but we didn’t know what we were doing and there is no way we could have.

As is common for the HSP, I went through an awakening period where I had achieved all the external stuff I thought I “should” have and realized that I still didn’t feel happy, or enough. This life I was living was not it. I started to awaken to the fact that I liked things and I didn’t like things. I didn’t know this before.

The separation process from my old life that was a construction of me rather than an expression of me was a painful process. It truly was like a phoenix. I was consumed in the destruction, the flames destroyed me. And that was a beautiful death…such a beautiful death indeed. I died in the flames. Or maybe it was like I had been living as an acorn until now, and now I had been planted in the ground and burst out of my shell. I was growing as a sapling. That’s very fresh, new, weak, and uncertain.

I began the slow rebirth process from the ashes. For the first 2 years after the divorce, I was sort of in a haze. Drifting in the ashes. I didn’t know who I was. It was scary and new to be so unsure, so unknowing. Slowly strengthening and growing in this new self. Feeling weak in my newly accepted and realized sensitivity. Fumbling and clumsy. Exploring and experimenting.

Especially, I didn’t know what I wanted in intimate relationships. Elaine Aron often talks about how HSPs are often less satisfied in their partnerships because they have such high expectations and can feel all the areas that are out of alignment in such a strong way and so immediately. I think it’s also because so many of us have a tendency toward codependency. I certainly did. I needed someone to validate me because I didn’t validate myself, I didn’t feel ok about the way I was. I needed to be needed for my role and the amazingly sensitive things I could do for people. I couldn’t comprehend that someone would just enjoy ME, I didn’t know who ME was or how to express that.

So, there I was in the ashes. That was no state to pick a new last name.

What’s in a name? It’s how we identify. It’s the label that can represent where we come from, what clan we belong to, or what clan we choose.

I had Weed on everything, my licenses and diplomas, etc. etc. And, I didn’t have anything that I wanted to switch to more. I didn’t feel like Ane Axford and I didn’t mind being Ane Weed. Though, I always had a sense that I wouldn’t stay Ane Weed. So, I was just stewing in the ashes. Neither here nor there.

In the last month before changing back to Axford, I had 4 well-loved and respected men in my life (all very sensitive) ask me what my maiden name was when I told them that Weed was the name I took on when I got married. All of them had almost identical responses: “ANE AXFORD! That’s an amazing name! I love that. It sounds like a made up spy name.”

My response was one of startle, “Oh, it is?”

I had never had anyone tell me they loved that name. In fact, most people are quite excited about Weed…can’t imagine why, though.

I had always taken my name for granted and thought it was just kind of weird. No one else had my name. When I was younger, I longed to be a Smith or Johnson…even a Wilson. I liked my first name, but sometimes got sick of having it mispronounced and having to explain it.

OHHHHHHHH!

It hit me.

I got sick of being misunderstood throughout my life and having to explain myself in general. I also grew up in a family of HSPs who didn’t understand themselves. We felt guilty about the weird things we liked. Our different names and ways of being. I had mixed feelings about being an Axford.

I remember being very excited to take on a new name and a new family. I still adore my ex-husband’s family. I felt like I could finally be someone. It was a tricky way to jump out of being ME and be someone else.

My dad was not very open or comfortable with his sensitivity, in a sense rejected it. And, my mom seemed to see herself as very sensitive and that was a weakness. Sensitivity was a curse, an illness to be resolved and a burden to bear. Both my parents seemed in agreement on this.

All of my siblings are sensitive too, to varying degrees and we have all dealt with it very differently.

So, together as a family, I felt this elephant always in the room. This huge, pressing elephant of sensitivity needed to hidden as best as possible, not talked about, and no one knew what to do with it. Maybe we can cover it with a table cloth and pretend it’s a table? Well, I’ll at least be polite and look the other way when it seems to be showing it’s head…and definitely when it’s defecating. We all felt ashamed of it. We all felt that there was something wrong with us. And the worst part, that there was nothing we could do about it. We all felt that we could never have what we wanted, that we could never be intimate and feel just right about being who we were.

We were all these acorns huddled together, getting delicate and brittle, so huddling all the more closely together in our delicate state.

That’s why I didn’t feel like being an Axford.

A lot of the process I was going through in my own life since divorcing was about strengthening this weak sensitivity muscle. I allowed myself to use it and to feel weak and clumsy with it. Eventually it grew quite strong. I continue to strengthen it. I started having different interactions with everyone in my life. My interactions with men changed significantly. I started meeting more men who were more comfortable with their sensitivity and connecting with them in intimate ways. I started sharing myself and being appreciated. I realized how beautiful I was, in every way, as a sensitive person.

I also read some books that were interestingly timed.

Both books are by the author Elizabeth Gilbert.






Right as I was going through my separation from my ex-husband, one of my dearest friends gave me “Eat, Pray, Love.” She said that it sounded like what I was going through…that turned out to be an understatement.

Liz gave words to the very deepest parts of my experience related to my divorce and all the questions I was asking in my life. I was trying to understand my very purpose, what in the world “faith” is, and who I was. I would find myself SOBBING at times, laughing out loud, and only being able to read a few pages at a time. It was so thick with the deepness of me. She was telling MY story.

Then I saw how popular this book was. She was telling all our story, all these HSPs doing our best to make our best life and waking up one day to realize that actually living life comes from the heart not the head…we just hadn’t had anyone to show us that our sensitive hearts are just right.

ALL of the characters in Liz’s books and life existed in my life. This was sort of comforting and sort of difficult to take in. She confirmed to me the difficult outcome of some relationships that I knew must come. She also told of new and better relationships to come. I was still a bit unsure of this, but hopeful.

To sum up these years in the ashes, a quote from “Eat, Pray, Love” as Liz describes her transformation and coming to live a fairytalesque life from the life that was not hers (Side note: I grew up Mormon in Utah…I live in Manhattan now. So, my HSP transformation may be compounded by the Mormonism/Utahism.):

“What keeps me from dissolving right now into a complete fairy-tale shimmer is this solid truth, a truth which has veritably built my bones over the last few years—I was not rescued by a prince; I was the administrator of my own rescue.

My thoughts turn to something I read once, something the Zen Buddhists believe. They say that an oak tree is brought into creation by two forces at the same time. Obviously, there is the acorn from which it all begins, the seed which holds all the promise and potential, which grows into the tree. Everybody can see that. But only a few can recognize that there is another force operating here as well—the future tree itself, which wants so badly to exist that it pulls the acorn into being, drawing the seedling forth with longing out of the void, guiding the evolution from nothingness to maturity. In this respect, say the Zens, it is the oak tree that creates the very acorn from which it was born.

I think about the woman I have become lately, about the life that I am now living, and about how much I always wanted to be this person and live this life, liberated from the farce of pretending to be anyone other than myself. I think of everything I endured before getting here and wonder if it was me, who is now dozing on the deck of the small Indonesian fishing boat [for me, Ane, this would be substituted with sitting in a very European café in the West Village typing a blog post for my own business which I absolutely love, after which I will ride my scooter home to my quaint apartment and enjoy some time with the best friends a person could ask for in a very spring-like and luxurious NYC evening]—who pulled the other, younger, more confused and more struggling me forward during all those hard years. The younger me was the acorn full of potential, but it was the older me, the already-existent oak, who was saying the whole time: ‘Yes—grow! Change! Evolve! Come and meet me here, where I already exist in wholeness and maturity! I need you to grow into me!’ And maybe it was this present and fully actualized me who was hovering four years ago over that young married sobbing girl on the bathroom floor, and maybe it was this me who whispered lovingly into that desperate girl’s ear, ‘Go back to bed, Liz…’ Knowing already that everything would be OK, that everything would eventually bring us together here. Right here, right to this moment. Where I was always waiting in peace and contentment, always waiting for her to arrive and join me.”

That book got me through SO MUCH.

I would read some passages like scripture as I was going through some of the inevitable separations and struggles.

And now, now that I have gone through that growth into me, I am looking toward connection. I needed to be independent. Just as first the acorn is attached to and dependent upon the tree, I was dependent in my relationships. Then, I broke free and planted in the ground. That fall to the earth and being buried and breaking out of the shell to shoot forth as a tender little green thing was SCARY and HARD. And so necessary. I needed to be independent. Now that I’m growing, I want to attach my roots to other strong trees. I want a sold place to connect to, roots that intertwine with others in interdependence. Each piece a part of the process: dependence → independence → interdependence.

That brings me to Liz’s next book: “Committed”. She makes peace with marriage.

I just finished reading it. Though she was determined to avoid marrying again, due to her Brazilian partner’s inability to enter the country, she must marry her partner in order for him to stay in the U.S. with her.

So, she has to come to terms with marriage if she wants to be with her partner in the country where they both want to live together.

After this newfound independence and focus on ME, I have fear about how I can enter into a committed relationship again. How to create this interdependence? So much of my questioning, and Liz’s questioning, is about the balance between masculine and feminine, between head and heart, logic and emotion, Greek and Hebrew, Democrat and Republican, sensitivity and economy.

A quote from “Committed”, a book which goes through a detailed analysis of all the very questions that I asked about marriage and relationship, how to be committed to the other and to the self:

“It is not we as individuals, then, who must bend uncomfortably around the institution of marriage; rather, it is the institution of marriage that has to bend uncomfortably around us. Because ‘they’ (the powers-that-be) have never been entirely able to stop ‘us’ (two people) from connecting our lives together and creating a secret world of our own. And so ‘they’ eventually have no choice but to legally permit ‘us’ to marry, in some shape or form, no matter how restrictive their ordinances may appear. The government hops along behind its people, struggling to keep up, desperately and belatedly (and often ineffectually and even comically) creating rules and mores around something we were always going to do anyhow, like it or not.

So perhaps I’ve had this story deliciously backwards the whole time. To somehow suggest that society invented marriage, and then forced human beings to bond with each other, is perhaps absurd. It’s like suggesting that society invented dentists, and then forced people to grow teeth. We invented marriage. Couples invented marriage. We also invented divorce, mind you. And we invented infidelity, too, as well as romantic misery. In fact, we invented the whole damn sloppy mess of love and intimacy and aversion and euphoria and failure. But most importantly of all, most subversive of all, most stubbornly of all, we invented privacy.

To a certain extent, then Felipe [Liz’s new hubby] was right: Marriage is a game. They (the anxious and powerful) set the rules. We (the ordinary and subversive) bow obediently before those rules. And then we go home and do whatever the hell we want anyhow.”

I see now. I get to do both, set up my ideals and then do what I want responsibly. I get to create my version of interdependence. I get to do what I want.

I realized that I WANT TO BE AN AXFORD! I want connection to my father and my family. I want to intertwine my roots, I want to walk along hand in hand through this life. I needed to go it alone, to have this me calling the younger me forth. Now I’m here. And now I want to connect. And, I am.

I’m ready to be Ane Axford. I’m forever married to myself. I’m not taking on anyone else and I don’t want anyone else to take me on. I don’t need anyone else now, and I don’t want to be needed by a partner. I am the tree, no longer an acorn and shell-free. I enjoy myself fully, I enjoy others without needing them. I want them. They are who they are and I am ME.

I have risen from the ashes and I am Ane Axford.

Here I am.

SO, that’s the story…at least the shortest version of it I could tell.

Chronic Hopelessly Alone Feeling? You're Not Alone In That Feeling

When every HSP client that I have ever worked with, including myself, experiences the same thing--that's a sign.

"The Lonely Feeling" "The Emptiness" "The Invisible Monster" "The Heaviness"...what do you call it?

From a very young age, I can recall this sinking, consuming feeling of sadness overtaking me at seemingly random times. In my mind I referred to it as "The Invisible Monster" or "getting shaky". Small tremors or shaking often accompanied this feeling. It was like getting the chills, that feeling when you can't stop your jaw from quivering.

I had no idea what triggered it.

I had no idea how to combat it.

I didn't know what it was, despite my best efforts and MANY hours of analysis.

But, I did know that when it came I could either cry uncontrollably and purge myself of the sadness for a time (until it came again randomly) or clamp down. When I say clamp down, I mean in every sense. Shut off my attention on my body, tense my muscles, and block as much as possible. This usually meant I needed to be alone until I had fully suppressed it for the time being.

I felt guilty for crying because I had no answers and I knew that people wanted answers. "Why are you so sad?" "What happened?"

Having to explain myself added pressure for a couple reasons: us HSPs have often gotten in the habit of explaining our every move (that's for another post), and I already felt pressure about answering questions due to my thinking being so different (that's already in another post). I had judged myself for not being snappy with answering questions.

AND I DIDN'T HAVE AN ANSWER.

SO, this feeling coming on meant that I HAD to isolate myself, whether I cried or did my best to suppress it.

Vicious cycle.

The times when I tried to get answers or talk about it left me feeling worse than when I started talking or thinking about it. It was a feeling of being misunderstood, feeling alone...and then I was being misunderstood which led to feeling even more lonely as I talked about it...YUCK.

It's like someone being robbed, going to the police to get help...and being robbed by the police...YUCK.

So, I couldn't talk about it either.

Or think about it.

My best strategy, as I frustratingly figured out, was to avoid and to keep the experience to myself.

I have heard many of you describe the same scenario. Some of you are still experiencing this feeling.

I have some incredible news.

I don't feel it anymore. I feel connection now.

What happened?

Read on.

Due to magic, synchronicity, universal power...or maybe total randomness, I came in contact with an amazing group of HSPs.

I decided to be trained in hypnosis at a point in my life when I felt so lost and confused about what in the world I was "supposed to be doing".

Having the connection that I had with this group allowed me to experience something I didn't know that I didn't know.

Once I felt that accepted for ME, regardless of what I did or didn't do...

Once I was really SEEN, and by so many people at once...

Once I was really supported in doing things the way that felt natural to me...

I was free.

This connection provided understanding and validation that opened up worlds of possibility for me.

Maybe I was just right.

I had no idea that relationships could feel that good, that they could be nourishing, that I could be equally cared for as I cared for others.

I didn't know then about the trait of high sensitivity as I do now, and neither did many of the people in my class.

I did know something was up though.

From that point on, I had some powerful experiences of connection to myself and others.

One of those experiences brought me intensely into the feeling of aloneness/loneliness. For the first time EVER, I let myself shake. It was during a hypnosis session about my scoliosis and coming more into alignment.

I started to shake. Instead of clamping down, I remembered something said in class: "Whatever your experience is, it is just right for you."

So, after realizing that I was starting to clamp down and get irritated...I said "This must be just right for you. Shake away, baby."

I let myself FEEL.

I let myself be OUT OF CONTROL.

That shaking was my power, bursting to come out.

Words cannot describe what happened next, though some day I may attempt to explain it in more detail.

Overall, I had a very powerful experience of connection, as everything and nothing at once.

I came to see this invisible monster for the first time.

It is a fear that you may be existentially alone.

A fear that connection is really impossible.

A fear that you are so different, that you are so wrong, that no one will ever really understand you.

I knew that those were all lies now.

I had a plethora of experience within this group to the contrary.

The more I have realized myself as just right, that ME and my natural response is what people want, the more I get such a buzzy, wonderful feeling of connection.

And because I finally saw the "monster", I now know it was not a monster at all.

It was a special guide, who never gave up on me or let me settle. It never let me pretend that I was ok with a life that I wasn't ok with.

It brought me to the perfect place, the depths of myself, to tear me out of all that wasn't me.

It brought me face to face with the lies I made up so that I could experience a life beyond any explanation I can give you.

I feel so grateful, happy, and connected every day now.

I feel honored and blessed by the many incredible people and deep relationships in my life now.

You are included in those incredible people.

It all started with being willing to feel it all, to feel out of control, and take the risk to go into my deepest fears.

My connection to other HSPs allowed me to go there.

I encourage each one of you to find connection. It provides validation for your way of being until you are able to validate yourself. It allows you to be "normal" for once.

It makes space for you to open to yourself.

As I see this to be SO IMPORTANT, I have a couple discussion group options. You can see them under "groups" on www.aneweed.com.

There's one this Saturday in Manhattan and an online discussion on February 6th.

Especially, right now I am forming an awesome group for my next closed discussion group in Manhattan that works through The Highly Sensitive Person Workbook. It is 6 two-hour sessions for $395, every two weeks. Space is limited...and it's going to be awesome. The content is not like anything else available.

So, please let me know ASAP if you are interested: ane@aneweed.com.

If you've got that little voice talking to you right now, or that feeling that it's for you, please shoot me an email and we can discuss it more.

Also, I feel very honored and excited to be presenting at one of the upcoming HSP gatherings that Jacquelyn Strickland organizes/presents at and Elaine Aron speaks at. It is in North Carolina and will be a great way to connect with HSPs.

To find out all about the gathering, click here.

We NEED to connect and unite with one another. It is a need. You deserve to meet your needs.

And, it just feels good.

Reach out and touch someone...and I would love to be that someone.

Let me know what you think below or email me with any questions, comments.